DeWayne is the busiest man I know. He always has places to go, people to see, things to do. I love and know the guy quite well too. His busyness is motivated by his need to feel needed. Because when he feels needed he feels loved. Unfortunately, his need to be needed causes him to give too much. Too much time, too much money and too much work doing things that others should be doing for themselves.
Please don’t get me wrong, I believe that we should help family and friends when they need help. But not if they are taking advantage of that help and not at the cost of your own needs.
DeWayne is doing the right things, but for the wrong reason. He’s doing all of these things to make himself feel that he is worth something to someone, anyone. You see, DeWayne doesn’t believe that people would want him in their lives just because he is a great man. Because deep down, DeWayne doesn’t believe he is a great man. He’s only as good as his “next big thing” he’s going to do for you.
An unhealthy identity causes men to get caught the loop of unhealthy activity.
Remember this quote from my last blog,
What you believe affects how you think. How you think affects how you feel.
How you feel affects how you behave. Your behavior becomes your reputation.
And what people believe about you.
If you believe you are broken, and somehow less worthy, you will spend the rest of your life working to “earn” love or respect of others. But if you don’t love and respect yourself first and foremost, the love and respect of others becomes a moving target. You’ll work day trying to “please” them, but never getting what you desire the most in return. To be loved for who you are, not for what you do.
So how do you get off this treadmill? By forging and restoring what it means to be a healthy man based upon your beliefs. By seeing the way a healthy man is suppose to see and treat himself.
Here are some examples of how a healthy man believes, sees, and treats himself:
- Believe that you are unique and valuable. There never has, and never will be, another man like you. Your unique blend of character, talents, personality, humor, and wisdom are what make you, uniquely you.
- Believe in the man you can be. When you stop believing, thinking and treating yourself so badly, you free yourself to become the man you’ve always wanted to be, but never knew just how
- Believe that you can change and stay the course no matter how long it takes. Be enthusiastic and realistic about your restoration process. Healthy men are life-long learners and never stop growing.
- Believe that there are healthy men who will help you with your restoration. Men, who are experienced mentors and life coaches in every area of your life, be it intellectual, emotional/relational, physical, and spiritual. There are men who will come along side you, willing and able to help you
- Believe that as you change the way you see yourself, your thoughts, feelings, and actions will change too. You begin to do the right things, the right way, at the right time, for the right reason.
- Believe that you are worth all of this time and effort. The man you strive to will be a far greater friend, husband, father, son, and man than the man you are today.
In my last blog I challenged you to write down a top 10 list of the character traits or virtues essential to becoming a healthy man, according to your beliefs.
To get you started, I’ll share my list: courage, perseverance, faith, trustworthy, kind, caring, creative, self-disciplined, thankful, assertive, and wisdom. I know that’s more than 10. But you get the idea.
Write down your 10 virtues. Alongside each write down what your beliefs teach you regarding this virtue. Make a copy, carry it with you. Look at it often to remind yourself of the man are becoming. Now you have laid the foundation forging and restoring the man you were meant to be.
These healthy virtues are essential in changing the way you see yourself. Instead of broken, you become blessed. Instead of a frantic frenzy of activity, you become an approachable, kind, and patient friend.
It all begins with changing the way you believe, see, and treat yourself. As I’ve said in previous blogs the process of restoration is going to demand a lot from you. In preparation for completing this restoration you must consider the cost. It will take time, consistent effort, and patience. Forging and restoring the healthy man within you will transform you intellectually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. But it’s a process, not a quick fix
In upcoming blogs, I’ll continue to coach you in this forging and restoring process. But remember it’s going to take a lot of work, but well worth it.
This why I created Unbreakable Bond. To help men just like you to forge relationships that last. Relationships that are healthy intimate, meaningful and fulfilling. Check out some of my previous blogs, subscribe, and keep receiving great tips and tools that will enable you to become a man you’ve always hoped to be.